


All Change

by FayJay



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-04
Updated: 2009-05-04
Packaged: 2017-10-02 09:02:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayJay/pseuds/FayJay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crackfic, dialogue-only, in response to Pearl_O's prompt "Hermione wakes up a boy. Slashy whackiness ensues."</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Change

"What the hell? Who? How? What?"

"It's me, Ron."

"Me who?"

"Me me, obviously. Hermione. Your girlfriend. Oh, don't STARE like that, for Hecate's sake!"

"But you're a - I mean - you look like…"

"A boy. Yes. I'm a boy. Goodbye breasts, hello penis. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I had noticed, as a matter of fact."

"Breasts? Penis? What the..."

"Hermione, I think you broke him."

"Yes, I think I did. Oh, Harry, just LOOK at me. I could weep. Or, well, actually I feel more like hitting something, which is just as irrational, but seems like it might be more satisfying. I look ridiculous."

"It's certainly - it's certainly a new look, Hermione. Um. But you don't look ridiculous. You look good. Just - well. Different. Obviously."

"Penis?"

"Snap out of it, Ron. I need your help."

"So what happened?"

"I have no. Bloody. Idea."

"…"

"…"

"But, I mean - you must have some idea of how you, well, lost your, you know. Breasts. Um."

"When did you last see them?"

"Ron, don't even THINK about making a joke about this, or I'll hex you like you've never been hexed before. Believe me."

"Right. Sorry. Er. So, what happened?"

"I already said - I have no idea whatsoever. I went to sleep a girl, and when I woke up I - er."

"Yes?"

"Well, I wasn't a girl any more."

"You woke up with an erection, didn't you?"

"Harry!"

"Harry!"

"Sorry."

"Sorry doesn't begin to cover it. Although - er. Yes. Actually."

"I think I'm going to need some serious therapy."

"Ron, stop trying to make this all about you. Help me, damn it! I had to stay in bed while everyone else got changed, and I pretended to have a cold and kept the curtains drawn, and all the time I had this enormously distracting - I mean - oh, heavens. How do you cope? It's completely out of control! It won't do what I tell it at all - it's like it's got a mind of its own. Damn it."

"Er."

"Don't stare at it!"

"Hermione, you're wearing your pyjamas. And, okay, they're a bit tight on you now, but it's not like I'm actually staring at - oh. Well. Right. Yes. There it is, then."

"Oh, bloody HELL, not again! How can you bear it?"

"Bare it?"

"Ron, I don't think she meant - he meant - wow. This is starting to give me a headache."

"Head."

"Right, that does it!"

"Mmmph! Oy, gerroff! Harry, get her off me! Him off me! Hey! No fair! No biting! You fight like a girl!"

"I am a girl, you twat!"

"Then what's this?"

"Don't you bloody well DARE! That's - ohmygod. Get off. Oh. Oh, shit."

"…"

"Get a room, you two!"

"Er."

"…"

"Er, sorry about that. Um."

"…"

"Well, isn't this awkward?"

"I think - excuse me. Sorry Harry, I think I need to be private for a moment. Where's your - where's the nearest loo?"

"Oh, right - you've not been here before, have you? What with being a girl."

"Harry. Help me. Please. I think I'm going to - oh, good God, I wish I were dead! Where'sthenearestloo,damnit?"

"Sorry - that was my fault. I just didn't quite believe that - well. Try thinking about something really unsexy. Like, er, Hagrid naked."

"RON!"

"No, actually that helped. Although - yuck. Still. Right. Maybe I'll just sit here and be calm for a moment or two."

"Attagirl. Boy. Girl. Whatever. Think of Hagrid naked. Think of Dumbledore naked."

"Ron! Although, again, that's actually helping. In a makes-me-want-to-scrub-out-my-brain sort of way."

"Snape naked!"

"…"

"Oh, damn."

"Ron, you bastard."

"What?"

"I'd been getting it under control, damn it."

"SNAPE?"

"It's just - oh, piss off, Ron."

"But, but - Snape! Hermione!"

"I don't see Harry laughing."

"No, but - Harry? Harry? HARRY!"

"It's just - what, come on, Ron - you're telling me that you don't sneakily have a bit of a crush on him?"

"I certainly do not! What kind of freak do you take me for? He's a Slytherin!"

"And a man. You missed out the bit about him being a man, and you not fancying men."

"Um."

"Ron? Ron, how long have we been dating? Are you telling me…?"

"Look, I like girls! Obviously! I like you! I mean - well, I love you. And you're a girl."

"But you also like boys."

"Er."

"Ron, is this true?"

"Piss off, Harry. You're the one who's got a crush on Snape."

"I can't help it! I mean, he's a complete shit, he really is, but - look, it's just a thing, okay? Just - just a stupid thing. I think it's the voice. Or maybe the walk. Oh, hell, I don't know. I'm just twisted, that's all. And you're changing the subject."

"Which is?"

"You. Liking boys too."

"Well, isn't this embarrassing?"

"Hell, yes."

"…"

"Well, since I'm - I mean. Well. Um."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"You were going to say something, Hermione."

"No, I was just thinking. I mean. Well, since I happen to be temporarily, you know, sort of - well, a boy. We could maybe - well, it's an opportunity, isn't it? To - ah. Experiment. If you like. Since clearly both of you have been keeping a bit quiet about this whole fancying-people-with-penises thing, and now I happen to be in temporary possession of a penis, and it does rather broaden the range of possibilities. Um."

"HERMIONE!"

"Never mind. Forget it. Sorry. Sorry. I'll go. I can't believe I just said that."

"Don't let her…"

"Way ahead of you, Ron. Hold it right there."

"Harry, this is arguably the most embarrassing -- mmmph."

"…"

"…"

"Harry, that's my girlfriend you're snogging. You total shit."

"…"

"Oh, fine. Fine. Bloody marvellous. So Hermione grows a penis and suddenly I'm left out in the cold? Even though I've made it quite clear that I'm a broad minded sort of boyfriend, and that I can take this in my stride? If I get half a chance? Well thank you very much. Some friends you are."

"Get over here, you pillock."

"Really?"

"Hell, yes."

"About bloody time. Move over."


End file.
